A Week of Thanks

This time of year always bring out the thankfulness in me. There are so many things that I am so lucky to have. And not just a house, or food (which most of us have) - but the big stuff like 4 beautiful healthy children who make me laugh daily, a kind and faithful husband, and the church and atonement that will allow me to be with my Heavenly Father again one day.

It seems too early to be getting so sentimental. But lack of sleep sometimes brings the emotional and "feely" side out of me. And since sleep has been a little lacking these days - it seems most days I cry about something. Whether it's a commercial, a song on the radio, or just random thoughts and daily trials.

It's funny how the things that I am so thankful for - seem to be the things I also complain the most about.

You know, complaining seems to come too easy - especially for me. I think that if you hold it in than it will build up and one day explode into a big meltdown. This has actually happened once or twice - so my conclusion after these breakdowns was to always be honest about how I'm feeling and what I'm going through. But this turns out to be a fault of mine.

I sometimes say things - that maybe should have been kept under lock and key. Because being truthful about what you feel and think can sometimes be deemed somewhat "inappropriate".

I just typed a couple of examples of things I've done and said - but I actually deleted them due to the fact that I'm still a little embarrassed about them. But lets just say that they probably shouldn't have come out.

I am just so thankful for friends and family who know these things, and love me anyways.

So Thankful!

Yesterday I took my measurements as compared to 6 weeks ago. For the first time in awhile I was actually thankful for a measuring tape. I'm going to put these on this post. Not because I really want anybody to know them - but I know that I will eventually loose the paper that I wrote them down on (either by kid or a mommy extreme clean-up), and I want to have something to compare to 6-weeks from now. I'll take motivation in any form right now...

FIRST MEASUREMENT (Oct. 12) SECOND MEASUREMENT (Nov. 21)

Waste 36.5" 32.5"

Hip 43.5" 41"

Thigh 26" 24.5"

Neck 14" 13"

Chest 40" 39"

Gut ? 39"

I hope by New Years to have some smaller numbers - we'll see...

Here I Go Again

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cyVzjoj96vs
I remember sitting on the couch (which was basically my home the last 3 months of my pregnancy), finishing my Kneaders turkey sandwich and 2 pastries and thinking to myself "How am I ever going to get this weight off?"

My starting weight before I got pregnant was 145. But, like usual, not being able to move and eating up a storm, I once again gained my regular 55 lbs over the course of the next 9 months. I really DO NOT care about weight when I'm pregnant. It's almost a gift :-) But I do fret over whether or not I can lose the weight again.

In February when I found out I was pregnant I was shocked -

to say the least. I had just been invited to join a team for Ragnar and was feeling healthy and in shape. The gym was actually becoming a happy place to visit.

I hate to admit it - but I cried and was upset about having to do all that work all over again.

Going to the gym is like a sweet roll that tastes like crap. Both good and bad.

Constantly feeling like your working against your own body to form it into something that it obviously doesn't want - but once it's done your body lets you know how grateful it is. In short: Working out, for me, hurts like hell (especially in the beginning). This is part of my dread when getting pregnant - to know that I have to do the beginning all over again.

I know, I know - why don't I just work out throughout the pregnancy and stay in shape. I see women at the gym with 8 month bellies working their patooties off, why not me? Well - if it was possible you'd see me there elipticalling it away with baby got front - but time after time my body does not allow it. Of course I try, and after 3 days of not getting out of bed after a workout I eventually decide that taking care of my kids, home, and husband is more important than staying in shape.

NOW.....

It's begun again. My starting weight was 189, and after my 6-week program I am at 165.

But staying motivated is the hardest thing.

Let me take you through a typical day really quick. Wake up 2-3am, feed baby. Wake up 4-6am - feed baby. 7-8am feed Xay in bed. Justin gets breakfast for kids. 8:20am Mira off to school. On M,W,F - Boyd off to preschool at 9:30. Start load laundry, clean kitchen, pick up house until 11:19 when Mira gets out. Get Mira, get Boyd. Make lunch. Rulon's nap. (All the time feeding Xaylor and holding Xaylor).

Keep kids quiet so Rulon & Xaylor can sleep. After naps - pack up all 4 kiddies (takes about 30-45 minutes) and head to the gym. 2 hour "break" of kicking my toosh, pack kids back up in car. Go home, make dinner, watch kiddie show, bathtime, bedtime routine (anywhere from 30 minutes to 2 hours). Bounce Xaylor until he falls asleep (anytime from 10pm-12am). Off too bed for another day.

Just to make it clear - I LOVE BEING A MOM! My days don't weigh me down, I enjoy my job. It's just hard staying motivated. No nummy food, no shopping, no sleep, and until recently no sex = stressful tiredness unfunness.

I know this won't last forever - and I tell myself this every day :-)

But in order to stay motivated I feel like I need to keep a log of my diet, exercise, and feelings. This way I can see my progress and not feel like I'm doing this for nothing. Even if I can only do 7 push-ups rights now - maybe in two weeks I'll be able to do 8. Sometimes the day to day progress isn't noticeable - but being able to read back on where I was 2-3 ago and looking at where I'm at now will help inspire me to keep going.

So today.... I had a shake for breakfast, will have almonds and chicken for lunch, apple for a snack, and than at 4:00 I head to the gym. Justin picks up the kids at 5:30 so I can work out longer and than for dinner I will have another shake and some more nuts.

Current stats:

Last Run: 3 miles in 35 minutes

Last weight: 10 lb biceps, 12 lb mower pulls, 70 lb pull downs, 3-sets 20 each triceps, 7 push-ups, 50 lb push tri's.

Last elliptical: 3 miles in 34 minutes

Last stairclimber: 50 floors in 15 minutes

Last rower: 2000 meters in 13 minutes

Last bike: 112 cal, 2.98 miles in 10 minutes

Here I go again :-) Wish me luck!

MOTIVATION

On September 26th, Xaylor James Butterfield was born. He was so adorable! We were SO glad to finally get him here.

MY PREGNANCY

During the first couple months I began to be extremely exhausted.

By 3-4 months into it - I began to have severe pains in my legs and back. In the morning I would shake uncontrollably for hours. I couldn't walk without pain, and the exhaustion grew to the point where some days I couldn't even get out of bed.

By 4-5 months - I began asking for help. Justin was missing too much work and it became obvious that I would need to swallow my oversized pride and ask others to help me.

My dear Friend Renae would come over 2 mornings a week, and my sweet Mother-In-Law would come over 2 mornings as well. After 4 weeks of this pattern, the shaking stopped, and Justin began working from home most mornings until I could manage my exhaustion.

By 5-6 months - the back and leg pain became so severe that I couldn't sleep at night. Sharp pains would just come out of nowhere at anytime, whether awake or asleep. My friend Renae hooked me up with a Chiropractor. It helped a little bit.

I began contracting and had to go to the hospital several times to stop the labor. I contracted anywhere from 5-30 times a day, every day, at about 28 weeks pregnant until Xaylor came (at 38 weeks).

By 6-8 months - sleep was nonexistant. I figured it was just preparing me for the new baby. I tried to stay positive, but most days left me in tears. I pushed through the pain in order to take my kids places, but that usually resulted in 2-5 days of not getting out of bed.

My visiting teacher (aka: my angels), came and cleaned my house, even my toilets. It was hard for me to let them do this, feeling so useless - but I love them so dearly for helping me during that hard time.

MY DELIVERY

It was Sunday, and the Primary Program was at 1:00. I had to be there at 12:15 to make sure everything was set to go. I wanted it to be perfect. I'd been having dreams about everything and anything that could go wrong. I tried not to

stress - but this was my baby and I wanted it to be perfect.

Everything was set, the kids were in their seats, and sacrament meeting began.

At 1:05 my contractions began. This was no big deal - this happened everyday - so I just ignored it as best I could. But than another, and another, and they weren't far apart. I waved Justin down (three kids down the pew), and pointed to my wrist. He knew exactly what that meant. Contraction, than 5 minutes later contraction, than 5 minutes later contraction. IT WAS FINALLY HAPPENING.

I was giving the closing remarks and so I sat there, with a new excited glow, waiting my turn to speak so we could get the heck out of there! I began my remarks with "My contractions are currently 5-minutes apart, but hooray I made it through the primary program."

Justin and I hurried and arranged places for the kids to go, and grabbed Mira and off we went to the hospital.

Xaylor was born at 8:30pm and was so beautiful. The delivery went perfect, he was perfect, and I felt great.

BUT - now began my road to recovery. So I've decided to begin a journal of my daily grime and grit. I'm hoping it will give me more motivation and strength as I struggle and thrive being a mother of 4.